Respect versus Passive Aggressive communication

My last post dealt with Christine Porath’s Ted talks who showed how respect influences profit in an organization. I will continue on this topic by discussing a podcast from Amy Gallo about passive-aggressive behaviors and how to deal with them. Often we don’t feel respected in front of passive-aggressive behaviors, we interpret them as personal attacks. But before discussing ressponses, let’s clarify: what does passive-aggressive behavior signify? The American Psychological Association defines them as "behaviors that are seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly display an unconscious aggressive motive.” This can mean a lot of things but we all have a general understanding of this definition.

We all experience but also adopt passive-aggressive behaviors. It is universal. It has different causes: we do not get what we want, we are overwhelmed and we overreact or it can also be a tactic to avoid conflicts. We are all potential passive aggressors, fortunately, all of us aren’t going to develop patterns or chronic passive-aggressive behaviors.

Who can mark a behavior as passive-aggressive? The person experiencing it of course. I find it important to deal with it today as I think our digital world increases the chances to interpret behaviors as passive-aggressive. e-mail, chats, and text messages are more likely to be misinterpreted than a direct conversation. Today, even emojis can be interpreted in different ways despite also having been designed to express a single emotion… This is why understanding what is and isn’t passive-aggressive as well as addressing it is becoming more and more important in our modern world. So before labeling a behavior as passive-aggressive we must mitigate the risk of confirmation bias by being conscious of the story we are telling to ourselves. Understanding our perception is the first step to handling passive-aggressive behaviors. A good start is listening to Coaching for leaders: Passive-aggressive people podcast

How to handle those behaviors? Amy Gallo proposes the below solutions:

• Avoid labeling behaviors. Most of the time we lack the self-awareness to recognize the impacts of our behavior.

• Be the adult in the room, and be aware of your perception to reduce the risks of being baited.

• Do some "hypothesis" testing: “What I heard you say was . . .” “I interpreted what you just said as meaning . . . . Did I get that right?”

• Stick to facts to prevent giving room to denial or interpretation: “You were absent at the last 2 meetings”.

• Distance yourself from the situation, and don’t take it personally - remind yourself of the causes of this kind of behavior.

• Ask questions and show concern to better understand what is happening and invite your interlocutor in.

• Put your interlocutor face to face with the consequences of their behavior on topics that are close to them

Along with those solutions, I add my own: as usual, talk about those situations with your certified coach; it will help you find the right distance and maybe original solutions. To book a session: Think You! Agenda

Of course, there is no guarantee this will work, especially when interacting with people exhibiting chronic passive-aggressive behavior, but it is worth a try. It is important to address it, especially if the behaviors interpreted as disrespectful impact your team’s work.

I hope you now have more insights on how to fix those uncomfortable situations; let me know if you have any additional propositions for how to deal with this type of behavior. My next post will be about Amy Gallo’s conclusion and her perception of the danger of artificial harmony being implemented in some companies. It can lead to misinterpretations on the meaning of respect, encourage passive-aggressive behaviors, and make people afraid of disagreement.